My Old Dealbreaker
A few years ago I stood in my shower and through my weeping, I threatened God, or at least I thought I did, that if anything happened to one of my kids I would walk away. Done. Over.
I literally thought that if the worst of my fears actually came true, I would blame Him and never talk to Him again. I was that afraid. I lived in fear; fear that He would take one of my children and if He did, so help me God... because no one else would be able to.
I had the same experience with Him a few years earlier when it came to my husband. I figured that one way for me to be "forced" into getting closer to God and having the "real me" exposed would be if I faced my worst fears. I cried and cried (again in the shower, I figure it's safe there) and said that I didn't want to get any closer to Him if it meant I would lose someone. The results I heard that come from suffering were not ones I was willing to suffer for.
All in all, it was a twisted pattern that stemmed from my grandparents being ripped from our family in a deadly plane crash when I was thirteen. Somehow, those emotions were capitalized on and the Enemy had a hay day with my thought life. Fear set in like cement and put a rock solid belief system in me that took the sledge hammer of truth to set me free.
However, just recently I was on the porch. I had my head leaned back and I was looking up at the clouds rolling by. It was a moment, just between me and Him. That day in the shower came back to mind and I realized at that moment, I didn't think that way anymore. I smiled and realized that I could actually play out my worst fear without being gripped by it. Now, He is my first thought. I think of Him as a refuge and know now that He is the one who would see me through such a terrible thing.
I'll have it no other way.
I've been set free from fear. I can now say that if the worst happened, I believe, in the end, He would still be my God and I would still be His beloved. There is no fear in love. There may be pain, but there is no fear.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear. James 4:18