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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

My Old Dealbreaker

"You take one of my babies and the deal's off!"

A few years ago I stood in my shower and through my weeping, I threatened God, or at least I thought I did, that if anything happened to one of my kids I would walk away. Done. Over.

I literally thought that if the worst of my fears actually came true, I would blame Him and never talk to Him again. I was that afraid. I lived in fear; fear that He would take one of my children and if He did, so help me God... because no one else would be able to.

I had the same experience with Him a few years earlier when it came to my husband. I figured that one way for me to be "forced" into getting closer to God and having the "real me" exposed would be if I faced my worst fears. I cried and cried (again in the shower, I figure it's safe there) and said that I didn't want to get any closer to Him if it meant I would lose someone. The results I heard that come from suffering were not ones I was willing to suffer for.

All in all, it was a twisted pattern that stemmed from my grandparents being ripped from our family in a deadly plane crash when I was thirteen. Somehow, those emotions were capitalized on and the Enemy had a hay day with my thought life. Fear set in like cement and put a rock solid belief system in me that took the sledge hammer of truth to set me free.

However, just recently I was on the porch. I had my head leaned back and I was looking up at the clouds rolling by. It was a moment, just between me and Him. That day in the shower came back to mind and I realized at that moment, I didn't think that way anymore. I smiled and realized that I could actually play out my worst fear without being gripped by it. Now, He is my first thought. I think of Him as a refuge and know now that He is the one who would see me through such a terrible thing.

I'll have it no other way.

I've been set free from fear. I can now say that if the worst happened, I believe, in the end, He would still be my God and I would still be His beloved. There is no fear in love. There may be pain, but there is no fear.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear. James 4:18


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Blogger Beth in NC said...

Fear is a horrible torment. I am so thankful you have been set free in that area! Praise God!

Thank you for sharing!

June 30, 2009 at 5:31 AM  
Blogger Homemakers Tales said...

Hi ...well I've been there ..I lost my son in a car crash 15 years ago and his son almost 8 years ago 6 generations{ two i don't know how they died }of sons all under 28 .. the grief those women faced head on .. my great Grandad was killed down a Cornish mine { England } my Grandad his son a dispatch rider 21yrs during world war two and my boys ....
I know they are only ..lent me but am thankful my son was born again and his young son loved Jesus too..All this has taught me so much and really has brought me closer into The Lords bosom oh how i miss them but i will see them again ..what a reassurance this has been to me ...Love Kieren

June 30, 2009 at 6:37 AM  
Blogger Denise said...

So happy that you have been set free from fear sweetie.

June 30, 2009 at 6:45 AM  
Blogger Marsha said...

Natalie, This was very compelling. I think the the majority of women of probably done something similar, or tried to strike a bargain with God..."Make my life just the way I want it and I'll serve You the rest of my life"...type thing.

What's so beautiful about this is the transformation that took place in your heart and you never even realized it was going on. As you spent time with Him He was able to chisel away and remove the wrong thinking and replace it with His way of thinking.

Thank you for this encouraging post.


June 30, 2009 at 7:54 AM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Natalie, Isn't it exciting when we realize we've come to a place where we KNOW He's our rock, refuge, strong tower and peace. In Him we trust and receive our strength to get through any and all situations. How ever bad a situation appears in our mind's eye, it's no surprise to Him and He all ready has the plan to take care of us. I've had many shower cries myself and have found He's there too! Thank you for your words.
Be Blessed

June 30, 2009 at 11:16 AM  
Blogger Mommy Cracked said...

I struggle with this so much. I appreciate your honesty in this post.

June 30, 2009 at 12:06 PM  
Blogger Susan York Meyers said...

You spoke to my heart. Thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one who struggles with this fear.

God Bless,

June 30, 2009 at 8:28 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

I feel ya! Thanks for sharing. I always enjoy hearing from you!

June 30, 2009 at 8:57 PM  
Blogger Natalie @ I AM (not) said...

Kieren, thank you so much for sharing. Your healing will be such an amazing testimony!

Mommy Cracked: I pray you are set free from fear in the Name of Jesus!

Susan, I pray the same for you!!

Love all of you girls!

July 1, 2009 at 8:49 AM  
Anonymous Debbie said...

Powerful!!! Been there before. The wrestling with God about those tihngs I can't seem to rip my hands away from. And the release is so very sweet. What a beautiful post - thank you for exposing this part of your heart to us.

July 1, 2009 at 6:10 PM  

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