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Saturday, April 4, 2009

I hate computers!

This is a very frustrating post to write! I am on my friend's computer (thanks, Melissa!!!), grateful for her generosity in letting me use it. Otherwise, I would be at the public library trying to figure out their system.

I have been without a computer all week- it won't log on to the Internet. (This explains my absence in bloggyland for those of you who regularly visit my blog.) It has been extremely frustrating because I had been borrowing my husband's laptop since my laptop power cord died two weeks ago. Yes, I have "blown" two computers in two weeks. God, are you trying to tell me something?

"Why are you so downcast, O my soul?"

Today, I have felt at my breaking point- DESPERATE, ALONE, and DEPRESSED. All week I have prayed and prayed and prayed over the computer and situation. I have pleaded with God to intervene and help. I have rebuked the devil. ...And, I have been angry with God.

Why won't He answer me?

Or why does every door seem to slam closed in my face? I keep trying the computer, believing that God will work a miracle, but the situation is still the same. I mean, if God can part the Red Sea, raise people from the dead, and crumble palace walls with a simple trumpet blow, then a computer is "small potatoes" in comparison!

And, computer.

I have cried over this computer. Cried over a COMPUTER! A COMPUTER!!!

But, it is not the computer that has me feeling so abandoned. It is that God hasn't or won't answer my prayer. It is that I am desperate and I can't hear Him. It is that I want Him to make it "OK" and He isn't.

I know it is silly.

Suffering....over a computer!

There are many who are suffering so much more than I am. I have a sweet friend who SUFFERED with cancer last year....and lost her battle with it. Her family still grieves her loss. There are at least a dozen families I know who are suffering through a divorce. Families ripped apart. Two families at my children's school are suffering with cancer. Parents who would do anything to transfer the pain their children are experiencing unto themselves instead. My friend is a foster parent to a baby who has only half of her brain that has developed. She will never see, walk, or feed herself. She has hundreds of seizures a day. Many families are suffering because of lost income.

And, I am so "down" because of a computer????

But, it is the absence I feel from my God. I know He hasn't abandoned me. I know He is right here. But, I don't "feel" Him. Can't "hear" Him.

It doesn't matter how "big" or "little" the trial is, or what God uses when He is refining us, it still hurts. I have had my share of "big" trials- child abuse, marriage struggles, moving away from family, two miscarriages.....But, whenever we feel separated from the Father, it is difficult.

Whenever our faith is tested, it is difficult.

Today when I was walking, I listened to the Ginny Owens song, "If You Want Me To" over and over. The words are incredible.

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear. And I don't know the
reason You brought me here.

Why God? But, because You love me...

I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to.

Lord, even though this is painful, I will walk this road.

'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step. And, I'm clinging to
the promise You're not through with me yet.

Thank You, Lord, that You are using this trial to grow me, to refine me, to draw me closer to You....

So if all of these trials bring me closer to You, I will go through the
fire if You want me to.

Lord, I don't want to "waste" this trial....I want to learn what You are trying to teach me. I want to draw closer to You. I am desperate for You.

It may not be the way I would have chosen.

No, Lord! I would not have chosen to have these headaches and disappointments. I would have chosen a much easier way....

You never said it would be easy. You only said I would
never go alone.

No matter what it "feels" like, I am not alone. You haven't left me. You are walking me through.

So, when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself, and I can't
hear You answer my cries for help, I remember the suffering Your love put You
through and I will go through the valley if You want me to.

So here I am, like Jacob, wrestling with God. And, I have told Him I am not letting go until He blesses me.
I am not letting go...until we go through this valley.
I am not letting go until He refines me.
I am not letting go until I have grown closer to Him.
I am not letting go until I hear His voice!

Father, I know in this life, we walk through the fire, we will go through the valley. Jesus tells us that there will be suffering, but to have heart- He has overcome the world! So, I choose to lift my shield of faith and put on my garment of praise. I sing praises to You. And, like Job, I say BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD! In Jesus' precious Name I pray. Amen.

Since I wrote this devotion, Brian's computer "problem" turned out to be a minor glitch with our router....Thank You, God! Happy to say, I am now back to blogging...

Please visit me at my personal blog:

Thirsty for Him,


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Blogger The Real Me! said...

Great post Tracy. I have found that it's in those trials that I end up really seeing the hand of God in my life. It isn't always pretty but when He uses those trials to allow you to really feel His presence it's worth it in the end.
HUGS to you.

April 4, 2009 at 5:36 AM  
Anonymous Monica said...

Great post. I have to remind myself that I am not matter how I may feel from time to time. God is always with me and sometimes all it takes is calling out to him and trusting. Sometimes it's more than that. But I feel so desperate when I don't hear from him. It is the worse kind of lonely.

April 4, 2009 at 6:12 AM  

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