Internet Cafe

Monday, January 28, 2008

Are You Losing Control?

(This was our first picture of QiuYue, "Lauren Elizabeth.")
In January of 2006 we started the process of adopting our daughter Lauren from China. We were so excited and did all the necessary paperwork, prepared her bedroom, bought her clothes, prayed for her everyday and waited. In September of 2006, we boarded a plane to China to bring home our distant daughter. She was 2 years old when she came home.

Lauren had been found abandoned in September of 2004 as a “red and crying” infant on the steps of a Buddhist Temple and brought directly to an orphanage where she would live until we came to get her.

While waiting for Lauren, I read many books about adopting a toddler and the effects of living in an orphanage during the early years of life. While studying, I learned a new term, “attachment disorder.”

Healthy attachments begin in early infancy. The infant experiences pain, hunger, or discomfort and expresses rage by crying. The infant's primary caregiver (usually the mother) responds to the infant's rage reaction with eye contact, touch, motion, or food. The infant learns to trust his caregiver for comfort and the bonding process begins. This bonding cycle is repeated countless times during the infant's first year of life. Uninterrupted repetition of the cycle results in a strong trust bond between infant and caregiver.

Attachment disorders result when the infant's needs are not gratified. Kathy Miller, founder and president of The Attachment Network in Oklahoma, explains, "When an infant expresses rage and feels no relief for her need, she learns that to survive this world, she must control it. These children actually believe that if they release control to anyone else that they will die."

It has been a long road with Lauren this past year and a half. I have had to deal with and respond to her far differently than I did with my three biological children.

I am thankful to say that Lauren now has a strong attachment to myself and my husband, but it hasn’t been without many tears and trials. She struggled so hard for control, and still does at times. She resisted our love for fear that we would abandon her because she could not trust anyone but herself. Even this tiny little girl had developed survival skills to protect herself. She resisted eye contact often withdrawing emotionally, or raging in anger.

This brings me to my devotional thought. How many of us have not been “raised” with the love of God? How many of us have not gone through the cycle of healthy attachment with our Lord?
We hurt, we cry out to God and He responds with love and comfort. However, many times we are not willing to trust Him and we miss the comfort and security that He brings to our hearts. That in turn cuts off the cycle of attachment to Him.

We struggle for control. We resist resting in His love because we have not grown to know that He is safe for us. We run place to place, person to person, from one vice to another looking for that quick fix and all along it could be found in Him. I believe that many of God’s children suffer with “attachment disorder” from their Savior. And certainly those who have never given their lives to Him most definitely suffer from it.

Getting Lauren through this has been trying at times. I’ve spent countless hours just holding and cuddling her, making eye contact even while at times she was fighting me with all her might. But, through those times, she has learned to trust. She has come to the conclusion that she is not in charge and when she hands over authority to me, she finds security.

If I just left her to herself, to make all her decisions and control every aspect of her life, the result would be a child (and eventually an adult) completely out of control. She would be self-destructive, hurting herself and everyone around her.

Have you ever known anyone like that? Have you yourself experienced this?

He has not left us to ourselves. He promises that He will never leave us as orphans.
His love is unfailing!

John 14:18
18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

Psalms 36:7
7 How priceless is Your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men
find refuge in the shadow of your wings.

Psalms 52:8
8 But I am like an olive tree
flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God's unfailing love
for ever and ever.

The Lord has and will do His part, however we have responsibility in this also. We have to be willing to hand over control to Him. To trust Him completely with our whole life.

It’s time for us to lose control, by giving it to Him!

Gal 2:20
20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

Lord, I pray that You would open the eyes of our hearts to see and know that we can trust You with all of our heart. Heal past hurts Lord and set us free from the fear that paralyzes us. I hand over all control to You and I trust You. Lord, let us walk in Your love and spread that love to everyone around us.

Photobucket Come check out my giveaways this week!

Labels: , ,


Blogger Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

Sue, that was so beautiful, and true!!

What a blessing you and Lauren are to each other.

January 27, 2008 at 9:39 PM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

Sue - Thank you for sharing. I would never have realized all that was required for you to parent an orphan. Bless you for being so committed to this baby girl.

January 27, 2008 at 9:48 PM  
Blogger Naomi said...

Thank you for sharing your journey with Lauren, but even more thank you for the Challange to trust my LORD every minute if every day.
Love Naomi

January 28, 2008 at 2:42 AM  
Blogger Monica said...

Thank you for sharing your struggles. What a neat comparison you have made to our relationship with the Lord.

January 28, 2008 at 3:54 AM  
Blogger A Stone Gatherer said...

What a wonderful post! I know I have felt that myself! What a wonderful comparision you drew! So thankful to God for not abandoning me! Praise Him!!!

January 28, 2008 at 5:30 AM  
Blogger Cory said...

Sue, Thank you for sharing this. Lauren is a doll and you are blessed to have her. I am glad you have made so much progress with her attachment disorder. And, yes I know people like that. Take care and God bless, Cory

January 28, 2008 at 6:33 AM  
Blogger Mocha with Linda said...

This is so sweet. How God has blessed Lauren with you! And you with Lauren!

This really struck a chord with me. Thanks for some great insight.
I always appreciate your thoughts.

January 28, 2008 at 6:38 AM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

I can really relate to this post. I can see in the faces of so many, the anger and rage and now I realize where that could have came from. You are right, the Lord will do his part, we have to be willing. I loved your prayer for today. Thanks for a great post!

January 28, 2008 at 10:48 AM  
Blogger windycindy said...

Lauren is adorable. I am glad she has you and your family. My husband has an adopted sister that is Thai-American (Vietnam War). My father-in-law adopted her from being sold on the street by her mother. She was very ill with an infection. They saved and her life, but she has been difficult for them to raise. Cindi

January 28, 2008 at 11:54 AM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Thank you for sharing your story and beautifully related to our Heavenly Fahter's love for us.

January 28, 2008 at 1:19 PM  
Blogger Mary Lou said...

I could see you in my mind's eye, holding her and loving on her and looking her in the eye. May she learn to so completely trust you and to trust the Lord because of your example of loving her. This was a great reminder of how much He loves us and wants to hold us in His lap and look us in the eye....Thanks for a great post. Blessings on your day.

January 28, 2008 at 1:26 PM  
Blogger Gretchen said...

Thank you for sharing this, Sue. Some of us are control freaks because we had to be--from a young age, we knew we could only count on ourselves. How comforting to know that no matter our past, our heavenly Father IS in control, so we don't have to be. I always say, having the world upon one's shoulders is awfully heavy. Let go and let Him. So true. Wonderful post.


January 28, 2008 at 1:36 PM  
Blogger Mob said...

This post was so relevant to me. I was not raised in a Christian home and didn't know the Lord until 5 years ago. I do sometimes try to still be the one in control and I am slowly (through the trials God has put me through) learning to put HIM in control.
Thanks, Paula

January 28, 2008 at 1:58 PM  
Blogger Darnelle said...

I'm a little speechless.
Thank you.


January 28, 2008 at 4:22 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

What a beautiful post! I wanted to leave a comment for you and say that I am so thankful I recently found this website! It's so wonderful and uplifting. On another note: my brother and I are both adopted by the most wonderful and loving parents. We are both very thanful for God's gift of them to us. I had a recent conversation with my mother about adoption (it's so ironic I am reading this blog post after the conversation I had with her.) We were discussing how many parents (and children) wait for either children to adopt or to be adopted. The waiting is so hard and I know that my parents waited 10 years before adopting me and then my brother came along about 5 years later. To me, Jesus adopts us as His own as well. He waits for us as well and is overjoyed when we accept Him as our Savior. It's beyond comprehension the joy He must feel as He has another child that is adopted into the Kingdom of God. It is sad though that there are so many out there that He waits for but never gets to "adopt." Isn't it also a very special and wonderful thing to be adopted by Jesus and always belong to Him?
Anyway, thank you for that post! It is simply wonderful and heart touching. God bless your family. Julie (Ft. Benning/Columbus GA)

January 28, 2008 at 4:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, that was great! I am the oldest of 3 children - the youngest being adopted when my brother and I were 18 and 16. One day, my mom and I were talking about all the craziness of my sister's life - and she revealed to me that she did love my sister "differently" - for the exact reason that you shared in this post! Even though my sister was adopted at birth, here in the USA, it was still a difficult, but very fulfilling experience. My sister turns 25 next week! She is, by far, the greatest gift our family has ever received! Blessings to you, Sue!

January 28, 2008 at 7:25 PM  
Blogger Tina said...

Thank you so much. The struggle for control is hard and when we lay it in His hands we feel safe and secure.

January 28, 2008 at 7:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sue, Thanks for your heart and you are an AWESOME, MIGHTY WOMAN OF GOD!! I so appreciate how REAL you are((((hugs)))) God Bless:)

January 28, 2008 at 8:24 PM  
Blogger Mathe said...

Thank you for sharing this. Indeed, we Christians need to hand over control to the Master and Author of our faith. Easier said than done, though, but it's worth all the effort to do so.

God bless you and your entire family. Lauren is one blessed child indeed for having a family like yours.

January 29, 2008 at 5:08 AM  
Anonymous TaMi said...

Isn't it amazing what a child can show us! Each day I discover new things about myself that I never knew. And, all the love that Lauren is showing you back shows so much! Keep the Faith! You are doing a good job! Your Blessings will only increase with your service to the Lord! Your family is inspiring!

January 29, 2008 at 10:53 AM  
Blogger Angie said...

Sue---what an awesome post! Beautiful child! What an insight into the world of emotions...I know that she is such a joy!
Your parallel with the new believer's walk or "before believing" is amazing. I am so thankful that I grew up in a loving daughter works with handicapped elderly and sometimes, her department overlaps with children and family services...the pain that she sees has made an impact on her like "text book reading" could never do. God bless you and your precious family.

January 29, 2008 at 12:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this story. I have two Korean adopted children. My son was an instant bond at five months. My daughter arrived at 10 months and had been in one foster home from her third day. The adjustment and bonding took a long time and was at times difficult work. My sister, who was a therapist, encouraged us on the attachment journey and would point out little victories along the way! She bonded over time and is a wonderful attached daughter at 13 years old, an incredible blessing in our lives! Wishing you blessings on your journey with Lauren.

January 29, 2008 at 3:17 PM  
Blogger lori said...

what a story and testimony....I have tears streaming down my face....
trusting and healing...what a blessed little girl to have found a momma like you in this great big world....


January 30, 2008 at 12:05 PM  
Blogger The Preacher's Wife said...

'We resist resting in His love because we have not grown to know that He is safe for us. '

I've done this one more times than I care to count...

Beautiful analogy - BEAUTIFUL baby girl. :)


February 1, 2008 at 11:43 AM  

Post a Comment

It is good to hear from you... thank you so very much for leaving a note on the table. That makes us smile!

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home