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Saturday, March 14, 2009

Café Chat March 14th 2009

This past weekend I was out of town so I didn’t get to visit the blogs of those that participated in last week’s question. If possible I like to visit the blogs of all who participate in the “Café Chat” weekly. I have been so encouraged by all of you. I hope you were able to visit with each other because I see a lot of wisdom in this “Internet Café” community.

This week’s question deals with a subject that many of us, especially women seem to struggle with at times in our lives. Insecurity. Although insecurity is not one of my biggest struggles; it is definitely something that I have battled in the past, and can fall into presently if I am not actively pursuing my relationship with God. Recently, the subject of insecurity has surfaced in the Bible study I am currently taking, and in my own life I have had a couple of situations that brought out my insecurities. So, let’s see what our community has to say about “Insecurity”.

First of all, do you struggle with “Insecurity” issues?
If no, why not?
If yes, can you tell of a specific situation that happened to you that brought out your insecurities (the more details, the better). Feel free to post anonymously…
Again, if you do struggle with insecurity, what do you believe is the root cause of your insecurity?
OK, I think I asked enough questions for today. We may do a follow up question again next week about this specific subject. Blessings today, and remember our security comes from Jesus.

Blessings, Kim

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Blogger Beth in NC said...

Hello my friend. Another great post! It made me search my heart - yet again!

Thank you!

Have a truly blessed Saturday!

March 14, 2009 at 8:23 AM  
Blogger jubilee said...

Thanks for this topic. Never hurts to do a little soul searching.

March 14, 2009 at 8:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whew! Talk about digging deep!!! This is very cleansing. Thank you.

March 14, 2009 at 10:54 AM  
Anonymous Andrea said...

I'm new to Cafe Chat, but I'm thoroughly enjoying these Saturday topics. I love reading the posts of others and I thank you for posting such thought provoking, strength developing questions.

March 14, 2009 at 11:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Insecurity among women is more common than we like to admit. Admittedly, I have suffered from it in the past. I struggle with fears of acceptance in, of all places, church.

Throughout the last seventeen years, I have found it hard to fit in and find my place. One church made me feel very welcome and accepted. Two others did not. Women my age are supposed to have children. It has been my experience in two of these churches that if you don't have children, one of two things must be wrong with you.

Either you don't like them or you are, gasp, barren.

I love children. I was, gasp, barren, for a period of 8 years. Once I finally did conceive, our baby was born into Heaven too soon due to miscarriage. We chose not to adopt. We could not afford foreign adoption and domestic adoption was something I didn't feel led to pursue. I was gripped with the fear that the birth mother would want her child back, leaving me heartbroken. I called my Sunday School teacher to let her know and despite the fact that I had visited people in the hospital and cooked meals for those who were sick or had just had children, no one did likewise for us.

I never felt like I fit in. I didn't have much in common. I did have a child, per se. I was stepmother to my husband's daughter, who was six when we married. Our church at that time never knew me any other way. I was loved and accepted by the women there. Very small church and it just was what it was. Our church was broken in half and we opted to leave and go to another church. It was at that church and the next church I attended that I never felt like I belonged. I had no children to talk about other than my stepdaughter, who was only with us two out of every four Sundays. I couldn't relate to the joys of pregnancy, although I did listen attentitively and tried to contribute to the conversations as much as possible. As long as I was in Bible study or the worship service things were fine, but I wasn't included on any of the outside activities. If my husband wasn't with me, which he often wasn't at night or on Wednesday nights, the very people who would converse with me at Sunday School and Bible studies or the service would walk right past me and gather up at the front, talking about what their children were doing or what their plans were for play dates, schooling issues, etc. My heart broke and I couldn't pull myself up out of the pew to go visit with them. I never felt accepted by them, even though I had babysat many of their children or taught them in Sunday School, mission friends or GA's.

I just never found my niche. I finally gave up. It's been 2 years since we last attended church and never once has anyone called or come by. We were faithful in that church for 3 years. My husband's men's group kept up with him, calling him and wanting him to attend this and that. I never once heard from anyone in my Sunday School class or Sunday evening Bible study. Our appointed deacon family's wife sends me a birthday card every year, which I think is a nice gesture.

I don't judge the people who didn't include me. I'm sure I made them uncomfortable. "Why couldn't she go forth and multiply?" "What did she do wrong?" "Does she just not like children?" Children like me. I got a great deal of joy out of teaching Mission Friends and GA's at the 2nd church we attended. I pursued service in the church and in this last church spent more than 24 hours working during Hurricane Katrina at our Red Cross shelter. I put myself out there and just felt rejected and feel it is because I didn't have 2.5 children and homeschool them. I was a career mom and not a stay-at-home mom. I didn't fit the mold.

At 38, it's expected that any children I would have are grown. No one will see me as someone of "childbearing age" and expect the hard things that I physically cannot produce. A hysterectomy at age 29 put the keebosh on that. No visits from anyone from church, then, either. Not even the Sunday School teacher. After I recovered and went back to church, not a word was asked about where I had been. I suppose someone had told them. We live in a small town.

Outside church I have no insecurities. I am a confident woman. I know who I am in Christ and who I am at work. I am accepted and am a great friend to many. I feel well loved and give love in return.

I am taking steps to overcome my insecurity. We are going to go back to our first church. I just want to worship God with a church family again. I am praying about reconnecting with the people we used to know and making new friends, as the church has grown.

I realize this could be a highly inflammatory post. It could set off shock waves about how perhaps me not having children wasn't the issue. What else could it have been?

I mainly wrote this post and participated in Cafe Chat so that women would be encouraged to welcome everyone, no matter what their children-status is. You never know what's going on in their physical body. Women who are infertile or who have miscarried long to be a part of fellowship just as much as those who haven't. Just because a husband and wife come to church alone with no children in tow is no excuse to make assumptions about the woman.

Reach out to that woman sitting alone in the pew. Include her in your conversation. Invite her to join you and a few of your friends for coffee after the prayer service. Don't ask her to babysit for you while you go. She longs to be included for who she is, not her status quo.

March 14, 2009 at 9:14 PM  
Blogger Toknowhim said...

Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry for your experience... I am sure there are other women out there that can relate to your story.

In the end there is only one that will never let us down, and that is our Lord Jesus Christ. We must all cling to Him...

I am glad that you are going to church again...May you find the joy of fellowship with your new Church family...

March 14, 2009 at 9:50 PM  
Anonymous Holley said...

When I clicked on this my computer popped up a little box that said, "Would you like to display the nonsecure items?" Obviously my computer is not a woman. (:

March 17, 2009 at 8:31 PM  

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