Cafe Chat
We will also discuss the same topic from a different perspective next week)
Life is hard, sometimes tragic. If we are not personally in one of life's circumstances that is hard, then we probably know someone who is.
As Christians we have a wonderful opportunity to comfort those around us that are living through some of life's worst experiences. However, if you are like me I have said or done things that were not comforting to my family and friends that were going through intense times. Although my intentions were good, my words or actions were not so good. Why? One answer is that I did not let Jesus lead me as to what I should say or do for those who were hurting. It is not my words that can truly comfort or help those around me, but His.
So today, I would like for us to share some of the words that were said to us, or words we said to others that were not comforting, or maybe even made the situation worse. Today's sharing is not at all an exercise to condemn those around us who may have said things that were not good, but to help our community see what words can do if they are not filtered through Jesus.
(If you feel led, please share the experience and then what was said in response...remember you can always post anonymously)
In Christ, Kim
Labels: Cafe Chat, Kim's Articles
posted by Toknowhim @ 12:04 AM
15 Comments:
Another great topic sweetie, bless you.
Here is the link to my post: http://shortybearsplace.blogspot.com/2009/05/cafe-chat_29.html
Hi Kim,
I decided to join in the discussion.
Love,
b
http://bethinnc.blogspot.com/2009/05/internet-cafe_30.html
In 1968 my only daughter was killed by a drunk driver & I was driving our car when she hit me.
My brother from out of town, not a Christian came in for her funeral. I was hurt & in the hospital . He told me one day, "your husband is blaming him self for the wreck, You need to help him" . I went into a bad state of depression that took me & the Lord 2 years to over come.
If we have no understanding of a situation we need to just give a hug and pray . Words can do so much damage.
James 3:5 Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!
Great topic. I might have gotten too long winded - I got on a roll!
http://amothersangst.blogspot.com/2009/05/cafe-chat-may-30th.html
When my 80 year old dad was dying from cancer, I was told so many times by very caring christians that he had lived a good life. It was a true statement, but not very comforting and extremely annoying.
Thank you Noni for sharing today... Kim
I've written about this before here on the Cafe but I thought your topic definitely sheds some light on it.
My grandpa passed away a few years ago after a third round with cancer. I was very close to my grandpa. He and my grandma helped to raise me and my siblings. I took his death hard even though it was expected. I needed my Christian family to be there for me. During the funeral the one question that resonated from them was, "Was your grandfather saved?"
One person even apologized because he assumed that my grandpa had gone to hell.
Had they taken the time to get to know my grandpa before his death then they would have known just how "saved" he was. He well knew
Christ as His savior and depended on the Lord's strength to get through those times.
Aside from that, a funeral is more about the living and not the dead. The deceased's eternal fate was decided by him/her here on earth. A funeral is where people go to celebrate the life of that person; mourn their loss; and gain strength to go on without them. To hear those same words over and over again, "Was he saved?" just tore me apart. I got so angry at them for not taking the time to know him while he was alive and also for not taking the time to know his family know and be there for us after his passing.
Okay, I'm off of my soapbox. That was hard for me. I'd write more but I'm on my way out.
Great topic, Kim!
Thanks for the opportunity to share our hearts on this topic!
Here's my post:
http://snipssnailsandpuppydogstails.blogspot.com/2009/05/cafe-chat-may-30-2009.html
I just found your blog and I've been told I could write a book of what NOT to say.
Before I briefly share 2 stories/comments, I would like to say that as hurtful as these things are that people say to us, I've learned that they are growing tools for me. What NOT to say, but also what TO do or say.
I was 5 months pregnant with twins and lost them due to a car accident. A Christian woman bringing me supper tried to "console" me by saying that "God made a mistake and you weren't to have those children". (what NOT to say!)
It was the the 4th of July long weekend 4 yrs ago and I had been called in on a Saturday to the dr. office to reveal my MRI...I had a brain tumor. I was alone and in shock. When I was able to put enough words together to ask what next, the dr on call (not my dr) said "look on the bright side...at least you know you have a brain" and laughed (again what NOT to say).
However, I want to leave on a positive note. During this same time (brain tumor), people at church would ignore me and look the opposite way when they saw me coming. I will never forget the Sunday we gave our pastor permission to announce it in church (we had him wait until we could tell our boys), a very dear friend walked right up to me and said "I think you need a hug". Nothing more, nothing less. (definitely WHAT to say and do!!)
Little did we know that two months later she would die of a brain aneurysm.
Beth in NC...
I tried to leave a comment on your blog like 3 times, but my computer kept freezing up when I went to your site :(
Thanks for sharing today :)
Hey ladies,
This is my first time joining you for cafe chat...here's my post:
http://sonia-hometoday.blogspot.com/2009/05/cafe-chat.html
God Bless,
Sonia
Some words of discouragement that are meant to be encouraging when someone loses a child to miscarriage:
You'll get pregnant again. (Not always.)
Why don't you adopt? (Not everyone can afford to or is called to, and immediately after a loss is not the time to talk about a "replacement" child.)
Perhaps God just saved you from having to deal with a sick child down the road. (I'd have given my right arm to be a Mom to any child, sick, handicapped or whatever.)
At least you know you can get pregnant! (Yeah, but I wanted *this* one.)
God's ways aren't our ways. (Ya think?)
I think people say things just because they think something needs to be said. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone who has lost someone is to tell them you'll be praying for them or just to hug them and say, "I don't know what to say."
Always acknowledge a loss, but never try to explain it. It can't be explained. If someone is bouncing ideas off of you, line it up with the Word of God or tell them simply, "I'm not sure I understand at all." That brings far more comfort than explanations or disparaging remarks.
I heard these responses from nurses in the hospital and from people who loved me.
My favorite (excuse the sarcasm) was from my husband's father: "I bet you'll think twice before trying something like that again." (Having a baby was not his will for us, and it changed the way I felt about him forever. I have forgiven him but lost the love and respect I had for him. Incidentally, my MIL never acknowledged our loss at all.
Anonymous... Thank you so much for sharing your story with us this week... I am sorry for the hurtful things that were said to you during your difficult times.
Hopefully today someone will be encouraged by the words that you shared...
Blessings....
My thoughts on this topic:
http://www.hopefulspirit.com/2009/06/28/priceoftruth/
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It is good to hear from you... thank you so very much for leaving a note on the table. That makes us smile!
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